Sticks and stones

We all enjoy swearing. It's big and clever and if anyone disagrees they're just lying.

You should never trust a person who never curses or swears. Those are the kinds of people who go home and torture their kids' pets and blame it on global warming. They are the kind of people helping the likes of James Blunt support that nasty oxygen habit he has.

Adults swear because we can. We wait our whole lives to be able to swear because our parents did it and told us not to. We were told not to do lots of stuff until we were older like drugs, alcohol and sex. But then there was always peer pressure and priests to tempt us.

I like to swear and I like to vary the way I do it. Most people will choose their favorite words and stick to them throughout their lives with the odd variance. I like to vary it all the time, with it being the spice of life and all that bollocks.

I'm going to start an index of swear words and insults that will grow over time as I catalog my own favorite phrases and learn new ones along the way. Feel free to add your own in too.

A
is for....
ASSHOLE

This is one of my all time favorites purely because of it's versatility. It can be used to describe a person or a person's behavior. It's also not gender specific, after all I'm an equal opportunities offender. Observe:

• "That guy is such an asshole"
• "That woman is a bigger asshole"
• "That guy is such an asshole he has an asshole gravitational pull that keeps smaller assholes orbiting him."
• "Don't stand too close to him, you'll catch "The Asshole"".
• "Your son has been born with a disproportionately small member, and in my experience as a doctor this will mean his asshole will have to take over his personality. Also his vocal chords will have to relocate, meaning he will grow up to talk out of his ass."

And so forth.

A
is also for....
ASS BANDIT

Before I get complaints of being extremely non PC, I'm not referring to the homophobic slur, but rather something much more fitting. You see, to me an Ass Bandit is someone who hides their own asshole behavior behind that of a bigger and more prominent asshole. Ever have something change on you and the person bringing the bad news uses the line: "... it's not me, it's the boss. I would have left things the way they are..."
These are usually young middle management types who want to get ahead by not necessarily crawling up the boss' ass, but they may be caught in the aforementioned orbit and be helpless. Like some kind of drone to be assimilated for later use. Observe.

• "I told him you wouldn't appreciate it, but you can't have the day off for your mother's funeral."
• I told him that it shouldn't happen, but from next Monday the women will no longer be allowed to wear padded bras. By the way, the air conditioning is being fixed on Monday too."

An Ass Bandit is some one who tries to trick you into thinking they're not an Asshole themselves. If you ever encounter a bandit of the ass, steer clear for you will, ironically will end up with the shitty end of the stick.

A
is also for ...
Ahgobollocks
(Pro - Ah - go - Bollocks)

This should always be used in the instance that you encounter either an Asshole or an Ass Bandit. It's a three word combo that when said quickly should nearly be incoherent, giving you the perfect way to go and tell some shite hawk to go and stick their latest brainwave up their bollocks for the crabs to play with. Example:

"The staff Christmas party has been canceled, it's not in the budget That's what the boss says."

"But we had bigger than predicted sales last quarter."

"Which also meant bigger than predicted costs."

"Ahgobollocks"

I will carry on through out the course of the alphabet to see what I can come up with and should I encounter new ones I'll chronicle them here too. It may just help you to broaden your vocau, vocabl, vacub - words and shit.

Anything to add to A?