Ann & Barry

I have very vivid memories of being in school at a young age and learning to read. I was four and started off in junior infants in Ballymun. Looking back, it was a miracle that I had books to read at all. I should have been selling them to feed my raging heroin addiction. But that's an unfair and uninformed stereotype and besides, I didn't develop that until the year after in senior infants when I started hanging with the wrong crowd.

In between trying to dodge petrol bombs and junkies there was the occasional bout of learning to be had and I, like the entire population of that age, began with what has become the source of much nostalgia for me:

(Click the pics to make them bigger if needed)

Ann & Barry


If that doesn't fill you with memories of the best days of your life, then go fuck yourself. Because I'm about to take a trip down memory lane. You're reading this page and the unbelievable thing is that it all started with the perfect family brought to you by the good people at CJ Fallon, the bridge to which all possible book deals for me is about to be well and truly smoked to hell!

Chances are that you wouldn't have the skills to read this if it wasn't for these books, or their equivalent in whatever country you're in. Indeed, the incredible fact that I am the quality writer that I am (stop sniggering) stems from the genius structure that were the Ann & Barry series.

I was going to say that if you're too young to remember Ann & Barry that you could go and gargel a salty load, but I can't say that. Because these books are still being used today. I know because I borrowed a couple of them from a school teacher friend of mine. I figured I'd have to employ the skills of a private eye to track down the books, but as the brilliant Irish education system knows not how to throw stuff away, here they are. Having said that, they taught me to read and right good propurly, so it can't be all bad.

If there is one pure memory from your youth that you can genuinely look back on and smile as you remember it, then this is it. Which is exactly why I'm going to piss all over those memories.

These books were just too innocent for my liking. If you can't recall the exact teachings of the books, don't fret. There are a few examples coming up. I don't know how childrens books are written, I would imagine that they have certain guidelines set down by the curriculum. But what really makes me wonder is what gets finished first, the pictures or the text. Perhaps it was the text. On each page you'll see some words under a dividing line, these are the new words of the day that you would have encountered upon reading a new page.

You know the set up, these books are meant to educate and paint the perfect picture of family life. You will judge me for what you are about to see, but I could care less. I nearly wet myself as I desacrated these national treasures with my limited knowledge of a scanner and MS Paint. Just think what I could do if they had an Ann & Barry Adobe training course. They never will though, not after this.

Here's the first example:

Ann & Barry in the shop

This pretty much sets up the scene. Ann & Barry are supposed to be from a nice middle class suburb with parents that don't despise each other and no alcohol abuse, we'll see about that. The first problem with that is that these two siblings look like identical tinker children in dungarees, red jeans and shiny dress shoes. They should be haggling over car parts, not buying fruit and veg. These books left so much room for sick and childish innuendo for a cunt like myself that I just had to rise to the occasion.

Mammy & Daddy

First off, Daddy looks like a text book paedo and you can bet I'll be elaborating on that later. In the meantime, Mammy is hot. I definitely would. In fact I think every man has a list of cartoon chicks that he would screw if he were a cartoon himself. Mammy is up there in my top ten, just behind teh Cadbury's Caramel Bunny. But the rest of my list can wait for another day.

Mammy likes cock, Daddy does too. Probably.

God love Mammy, she seems to b pouring a kettle into another kettle. Such confusions and distractions are not uncommon among women dreaming about me filling their cartoony orifces, poor thing. Daddy is doing nothing to shake off that gay paedo look he had going on earlier. He actually looks like that Uncle we all have that smokes man pole but thinks we don't know. Daddy smokes pole, mini pole. Stay tuned.

Barry likes balls

Even at home,Ann & Barry continue to learn. Here, they are being taught, hand-eye-mouth co-ordination. Ann is learning how to collect stray drips form Daddy's cone and Barry is learning how to handle balls.

Incest - a game for all the family

Mammy is indeed looking foxy today, as always, but I fear she is sitting on Barry as he has disappeared from view. Daddy and Ann are playing with balls and Daddy looks happier than Gary Glitter in the girl scouts. Ann better be careful.

Getting ready for the seaside

Ann doesn't look too safe, has she been kidnapped? It's not Ann at all, Daddy has spent the day picking off the forgotten kids at the school gates. Crazy kidnappin' fool that he is. Meanwhile, Mammy is buying toys for the victims to play with while they try to deal with their new trauma. Barry practices his poetry: "It rubs the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again." Very good Barry.

At the seaside

Hot Mammy is in a bikini, nice. Daddy is obviously more interested in Ann, in a one piece. Dirt bird. Feeling a little neglected, Barry draws in the sand. We can't see what it is, but then again we don't need to. His therapist might though.

In the water

Daddy seems to be eyeing up Barry's inflatable ring, or maybe just his ring. In other news, Mammy still looks hot with her big baldy head.

Back home

Back home and all dried off, the family settle down for a nice story before supper. Mammy is hosing down the van to get rid of DNA traces as most of the kidnap haul escaped. Daddy is teaching the kids of the age old Japanese ritual of Bukkake. Ann & Barry go to the shops for jam and cakes while Daddy beats Mammy for being so careless with the playground loot.

Treat time

Having returned home from the shops with the jam and cakes, Daddy tells them that Mammy walked into a door and had to go see the doctor but that while he was gone, they could practice getting their faces sticky because he had something similar in store for them when he returns. After all that's what Bukkake is all about, it just like eating a jam doughnut. Ever eat a whole one without licking your lips? Same thing.
Then they go off to bed to dream about gimp masks and strap ons. They could be dreaming it, but then the anal throbbing the next morning wouldn't make any sense, would it?