Cuntry & Western

Country music of any kind is the most offensive and annoying of any kind of entertainment ever conceived. Who the fuck genuinely enjoys listening to country music? If you are one of these people, my server is fitted with a tracking device to your IP address and I'm on my way to knock seven shades of shit out of you. I've never tried to do it, bit I reckon it's not too easy to outrun a mad man while you're wearing cowboy boots. So get a head start, cock face.

That's another thing, cowboy boots. Cowboys shouldn't even wear them, they are by far the most ridiculous design in foot wear. Only strippers and hookers can get away with wearing them, and that's only because if they're doing their job right, they'll be wearing fuck all else. The very same policy applies to cowboy hats. Middle aged tossbags who want to live out a boy hood fantasy of being revered as some kind of John Wayne or Clint Eastwood character should keep it in their own homes out of respect to the rest of us pilgrims.

After all, John Wayne once walked down Grafton Street and was both angry and shocked to find that nobody had recognized him. That's not true, people just didn't give a cunt. Because he was a cunt sorry, cowboy and therefore nobody wanted to give him the satisfaction of being noticed.

And Clint Eastwood has a face like a jar of pickled foreskins.

Spot the difference, win a prize

This all points to the fact that no one should ever want to be like a cowboy, and listening to country and western music tells everybody that you do.

To be honest, I probably wouldn't mind as much if there was any decent subject matter in the lyrics. As far as I can tell country music seems to be like the blues, only slightly modified for and by inbred banjo twanging sister finger banging sarsaparilla swigging ball suckers.

Country Western songs usually have titles resembling:

• Achy Breaky Heart
• Cowboys and Angels
• The Dance

If it is now clear to you that I have done no research whatsoever into this, then that means you like this music and I'm on my way over to your house to fuck your mother. Write a song about that, fuckbag.

I'm going to write a few songs. Ok, so I've bitched long enough about the fact that I hate the genre, now here is my chance to right the wrongs of every fucker who has ever put pen to paper and polluted airwaves with country and western shite.

Here is a list of my song titles and a brief description of what they're about:

"My lady doesn't shave any more"

From my debut album, "Hairy saloon doors". This tells the tale of how my lady once used to keep herself nicely trimmed, but ever since her right hand was amputated after that electric fence incident down on the ranch, she lost her dexterity, and her desire to groom. So I kicked the bitch out. It's a love song.

"She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw"

This little ditty is all about the time my woman told me that she was going into surgery to have a breast reduction due to "back strain" from the weight. I sucker punched her for having such a notion and she ended up having her jaw wired shut for six weeks, meaning that she couldn't tell the doctors what she wanted and it gave her time to think before she utters such rubbish. It's a love song.

"All I wanted was her and her sister"

Her and her sister

Truth be told, I really just wanted her sister. It's a love song.

"I never knew who my Daddy was, but I had a hunch it was my brother"

Not so much a song title as much a title for a Jerry Springer episode. But it basically goes on to tell a complicated and confusing story of inbreeding. If your father is your brother and your sister is your aunt, maybe you could be your own uncle and giving yourself a soapy wank in the shower would in fact be incest.

If you dig country music, you will see this as a love song.